It’s not that I was ever “stupid” or “didn’t care.” In fact, it was so far the opposite -I was almost too smart for my own good and cared far too much. This led me to be exhaustingly stubborn and guarded. I knew I was intelligent. I believed I had the skills. I thought I had the answers. So why would I need or deserve help? This didn’t come from a place of superiority, but from a place of shame and feeling like a complete waste of time. I played these mind games at all points in my struggle. Remember once again that my eating disorder was merely a Band-Aid -covering up my deeper wounds.
Anorexia: I’d exercise and restrict my calories until one day my chest would ache and I’d feel weird. I’d get scared, fear I might have a heart attack and swear I’d turn things around and get help. Guess what? I’d make it through the night, feel okay the next day and forget about the incident or promise I made to myself.
Binge Eating Disorder: I’d binge in a trance like state until I literally thought my stomach might burst and I began having trouble breathing. I’d get scared, fear something truly bad would happen and swear I’d turn things around and get help. Guess what? I’d make it through the night, wake up feeling like an utter loser, and instead of reaching out for help, I only dug my hole of isolation deeper.
Bulimia: I’d swallow a dangerous amount of laxatives and then fear for my life with damn good reason. I’d get scared, fear I would die and swear I’d turn things around and get help. Guess what? I’d make it through the night and the moral of this story is: You can see how my stubbornness, when teamed up with my eating disorder, made me feel invincible, like the exception – “it will never happen to me,” and it kept me miserable, depressed and alone.
I’m writing this with the hope it can help you. I never had anyone to look to when I was struggling that had been through it and I want to be there for you.
Save yourself. It’s never about your weight or even what your “Band-Aid” is. It’s about your mind. Don’t wait for a crisis. It’s a sign of strength to say, “I want to be better.” Now go do it. ~Britt