You might have an overview of my story from my captions, articles or photos. Some of you know my story in graphic detail if you’ve read my memoir.
Am I 100% fully recovered? No. But I’m getting closer each day. Recovery is the hardest and most worthwhile work you’ll ever do. One thing I can promise is you aren’t just going to snap your fingers and magically be “fine.”
My recovery has been full of ups and downs – but the “downs” are simply chances to learn and grow, and that’s why my recovery has been a forward process. I’ve been to treatment many times in the past. However, none “cured” me, and none I credit to really making a difference. Why? Because I wasn’t ready to fully let go, or do the work to heal. I was too afraid of what lay underneath- of myself. It was easier to hate myself, stay in my familiar misery, and hope one day things might change.
Hope kept me alive, but it didn’t move me forward in recovery. Action, commitment and trust are nonnegotiable. I had to choose whether I wanted to live a half life with whispers of doom, or a full life with whispers of love and strength. I chose the latter.
What has been key to my recovery is a therapist and dietician I trust and coming to terms that recovery and putting myself first is vital- a full time job. I had to change most of my life, actions, and thoughts. I had to face daunting fears as I let go of old rituals, behaviors and beliefs. Depression, anxiety, anger and resistance have been plentiful, but my dietitian, therapist, family, and friends never let me give up, or settle for less than an optimal life. I had to reach acceptance and I had to surrender. I had to stop fighting myself and forgive. I realized I’m good enough, always was, and always will be.
Because my journey has been so extensive, the sequel I’m working on to “Safety in Numbers” is heavily focused on my recovery process in detail.
Recovery is you vs. you. You aren’t doing it wrong, worse, too slow, or too fast. Through choosing to heal, you take back the power you wrongfully relinquished. It’s only you that you fear. And I promise it’s you that’s going to set you free.