Illusion of Delusion

 

Both of these photos capture an image of myself. But I used to see my image as a worthless waste of space. I was afraid of life. I didn’t understand why I didn’t happily fit in like everyone else. Maybe I wasn’t so different -but I made myself different in a quest to find peace and acceptance.

I wanted to be perfect. I felt so inadequate that I had to be perfect … then no one could hurt me … no one could find a fault. I tragically believed if I could fix all my flaws I’d also fix all my problems. At least if I couldn’t fix my faults, I’d be so focused on them that it would numb out the pain of life itself.

I buried my chaotic despair behind trophies, A+’s and painted smiles. Food, calories, weight and my appearance began to occupy my mind. I found relief focusing on food rather than having no friends. I found control counting calories rather than trying to dictate my career. I found brief joy watching the scale move rather than watching others live the way I wished. And I discovered a false sense of hope changing my appearance rather than my mind. The seeds had been planted, but they grew uncontrollably into a deadly jungle.

I found myself forced out of college and locked in a hospital room. I rolled my eyes when I was asked if I wanted to be resuscitated. I believed I was fat at 56lbs. I lost my hair, mind, and ability to walk. “Ha! I’m fine! I didn’t understand why all my problems still weren’t fixed. So, I continued on a prisoner in my delusional version of reality. Yes I lived. No I wasn’t better. Binge eating disorder and bulimia followed. I continued to bury my chaotic despair behind a painted smile.

I only began the process of healing when I buried my fake smile and let myself feel the chaotic despair that surfaced. This process eventually led me to bury my eating disorder and uncover myself. You cannot see an eating disorder. You cannot see the battles being fought, or the silent battles being won.

Don’t ever judge someone -you likely don’t know. Don’t ever think you’re alone -you likely have others close to you that can relate. Don’t ever think you can’t change, be happy, or recover -because you certainly can. ~Britt💜