Same Time, Next Year …


 Reflection on this time through the years.


AUGUST 20, 2007                                                                                                                                                                               I hate how my legs now touch and how everyone is commenting on how great I look. Don’t get me wrong, I like the compliments, but at the same time it freaks me out because then I feel the need to keep it up and fear of failure sets in.

AUGUST 20, 2008
Last night I heard my dad go upstairs into the guest room right above my room, and I could hear him crying about me again. …He was afraid I would die. I assured him I had complete control over my actions. I mean, I do, right?

AUGUST 24, 2009
I figured I might as well go for it and binge since clearly I don’t know the meaning of balance. …It’s kind of scary because no food or dessert is off limits to me now when I binge. It’s really uncomfortable seeing my body change and watching the numbers on the scale go up…

JULY 21, 2010
It’s weird … I mean, how could people actually accept, like and treat me so nicely when I’m so fat and ugly? It doesn’t make any sense to me.

AUGUST 23, 2011
Why keep fighting what seemingly can’t be fought? Why keep believing healing and help is just around the corner? Why keep staring at a reflection I want to disappear? Why pretend everything is OK only to find myself back in crisis? Why not give in? Or would that be giving up?

JULY 28, 2012
I met with my psychiatrist’s father today, who is also a psychiatrist. … He also explained that we are all energy, and energy is matter, and matter cannot be destroyed or created. Therefore, I, as a person, cannot be destroyed or created, so I might as well be successful or else continue forever to struggle against hating myself. Only I can change … only I.

4 years later my journey has turned into my passion. The beauty life offers when you choose to choose you is priceless. I have continued to journal the day “Safety in Numbers” ended. I’m excited to start writing the sequel soon – same, raw, real-time, uncensored continuation of my life. The toughest mountains are climbed with the smallest of steps. ~Britt

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