Thought Catalog | From 56 to 221 Pounds: My Eating Disorder Journey

Everyone says they want to recover until they actually have to do it.

Reality: Every organ in my body was failing, and my parents were told to plan my funeral, as anorexia finally seemed to be winning when my weight dropped to 56 pounds.

Me: I’m fine! I’m fat! I hate myself! I’m a worthless person. I don’t deserve help or to be happy. This is my fault.

Reality: Only 1 ½ years later, I stared down at a scale that flashed 221 pounds. Binge eating disorder took the place of anorexia as I numbed out each day in the company of empty food wrappers.

Me: I hate myself! I’m hopeless! I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I don’t deserve help or to be happy. This is my fault.

Reality: Bulimia slowly found its way into my life as I desperately tried to lose the weight. Caught in a binge – laxative – restrict cycle; I hit rock bottom when I swallowed 100 laxatives at once.

Me: I’m fine! This will be the last time I swear! I hate myself! I don’t deserve help or to be happy. This is my fault.

The Beginning

Anorexia

Binge Eating Disorder

Bulimia

I Publish My Unedited Journals Into A Memoir

Recovery

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6 thoughts on “Thought Catalog | From 56 to 221 Pounds: My Eating Disorder Journey

  1. You truly touch my soul dear. You are an incredible person I can’t say it enough. One day I would be honored to meet you!!

    1. THANK YOU so, so much for always being such an incredible light in my life! I wish I could see you right now and give you the biggest hug. I’m not sure where you live, but meeting you would be INCREDIBLE! I’m sending you all my love always <3

  2. You have been an amazing light in my life as well. I live in Merced California. Since I discovered your journey I was hesitant to allow myself to open up, however because of your courageous journey you have changed my outlook on life and how people treat me. They don’t need to understand i just need to not be ashamed, and you have helped me to say it’s okay to take care of myself and no one is perfect and they don’t have to understand what I am going through just respect me as a human being. I am sending much love to you!!! Even if we can facetime that would be an honor for me. You can reach my FB by private message. I believe i am the only Nieves that follows you. My profile picture on FB is a picture of a band however there is a picture of me on my cover page. I am not ashamed of what my flaws are because of you my flaws are what makes me stronger, you have taught me that. Thank you for your amazing courage and strenth!!!!

    1. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 I have tears in my eyes reading this ... I hardly know how to respond to such a gift you gave me. You ALWAYS make my day and make my life brighter and what you just wrote is almost hard for me to fully comprehend right now because it has touched my heart so deeply. THANK YOU! Thank you for YOUR brave heart and for giving yourself the kindness and love you deserve. It's always a work in progress, but you are SO unconditionally good enough EXACTLy as you are. And you live in California!?? We will definitely have to find a way to meet up in person sometime soon. I'm working on a lot of projects right now and one of my goals is to do more book signings, meet ups and travel more and certainly quite a few in California. Thank YOU right back for your amazing courage and strength. Know how much you have positively impacted my life <3 <3 <3

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