Illusion of Delusion

 

Both of these photos capture an image of myself. But I used to see my image as a worthless waste of space. I was afraid of life. I didn’t understand why I didn’t happily fit in like everyone else. Maybe I wasn’t so different -but I made myself different in a quest to find peace and acceptance.

I wanted to be perfect. I felt so inadequate that I had to be perfect … then no one could hurt me … no one could find a fault. I tragically believed if I could fix all my flaws I’d also fix all my problems. At least if I couldn’t fix my faults, I’d be so focused on them that it would numb out the pain of life itself.

I buried my chaotic despair behind trophies, A+’s and painted smiles. Food, calories, weight and my appearance began to occupy my mind. I found relief focusing on food rather than having no friends. I found control counting calories rather than trying to dictate my career. I found brief joy watching the scale move rather than watching others live the way I wished. And I discovered a false sense of hope changing my appearance rather than my mind. The seeds had been planted, but they grew uncontrollably into a deadly jungle.

I found myself forced out of college and locked in a hospital room. I rolled my eyes when I was asked if I wanted to be resuscitated. I believed I was fat at 56lbs. I lost my hair, mind, and ability to walk. “Ha! I’m fine! I didn’t understand why all my problems still weren’t fixed. So, I continued on a prisoner in my delusional version of reality. Yes I lived. No I wasn’t better. Binge eating disorder and bulimia followed. I continued to bury my chaotic despair behind a painted smile.

I only began the process of healing when I buried my fake smile and let myself feel the chaotic despair that surfaced. This process eventually led me to bury my eating disorder and uncover myself. You cannot see an eating disorder. You cannot see the battles being fought, or the silent battles being won.

Don’t ever judge someone -you likely don’t know. Don’t ever think you’re alone -you likely have others close to you that can relate. Don’t ever think you can’t change, be happy, or recover -because you certainly can. ~Britt💜

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4 thoughts on “Illusion of Delusion

  1. What is wonderful is through all of it, though there were some very dark hard times your family was there to help. You may have thought at times that someone was fighting you 📞 in all your will and your support system pulled you through. Your an amazing and inspiring woman!

  2. I still feel like I’m “fine”. That life is going okay. But if I sum up the things happening right now, then it is an absolute lie. However, your courage and words of hope continue to motivate me just when I seem to need it the most. Your words continue to motivate and encourage me to continue fighting. To continue living instead of just existing. Thank you.

    1. I assure you that you are doing better than you think! I’m so proud of you for honestly looking at your life and yourself -that itself is a step few people will venture that truthfully into. I want to make sure that as you sum up everything that you want to improve or change -that you ALSO sum up all your progress and growth. This has been such a key change for me mentally that has helped in all aspects of my life. I used to get so focused on all the things I felt I was doing “wrong” that I believed I was “wrong” and I dismissed all the things going right and that I was doing right. Life is a give and take. The process of becoming better requires discomfort. But never forget that you are still moving FORWARD! Thank you for your words too because I always write what I need to hear or remind myself of and just replying to you helped me. I’m always here for you and again SO proud of you and sending my love <3

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