What Was – What Is – What Will Be

November Excerpts

Safety in Numbers & coming sequel

Nov 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving! Today, however, has not been so happy for me. In fact, it has been a terrible day. I stayed in bed until 6:15 in the evening, and then while my family and relatives were eating Thanksgiving dinner, I was out driving to the gas station to get my Diet Sunkist soda. I hate this disease so much, but at the moment feel no strength to even challenge it and its pull on me to lose weight. My exercise has become out of control again, too. I’m praying for a miracle – a big one – because I feel desperate!

Nov 8 & 13, 2008
I was out of control with exercise again today. A girl who was walking out of the gym at the same time stopped me and said, “You look like you are in great shape.” I responded with, “I’m an athlete …” She then said, “Oh, OK, so I’m sure you know what to eat.” She mentioned all the programs and classes through the university, such as nutrition drop-ins, and how things can get stressful. She said she was a senior. She was really nice, yet I’m sure that she was trying to help me and knew I had an eating disorder. I felt kind of embarrassed and didn’t really know how to respond. Part of me wanted to put my hands up and shout, “OK, you’re right, I have a problem!” But the other part wanted to look at her as if she were nuts. I think I settled for something in-between. I guess it is pretty obvious that I come to the gym back-to-back 4 times every day. I really shouldn’t forget to mention that I pace around the dorm hallways late at night when everyone is asleep. We are talking 1-hour a night of walking circles around the dorm hallways with my headphones in! Am I really that ridiculous?

Nov 2009
I was at a healthy weight, but now what? I was no longer an anorexic. Who was I? I couldn’t just be me alone. My all-or-nothing thinking took care of that. I was so mad at myself for gaining so much weight that I thought I would never get back to my so-called goal weight of XX to XX pounds, so why even try? I failed, I blew it, I was weak, and I was fat. Since I no longer looked the part for anorexia, I certainly couldn’t go back to restricting and exercising to deal with stress … so I kept binging. I enjoyed finally being able to eat again, but this was out of control. I was binging out of fear of becoming so sick again I would die, I was binging to make up for the many years I deprived myself, I was binging with resentment targeted at all who made me gain weight in the first place, I was binging to give myself an excuse not to perform my best and isolate, and I was binging because the word balance was nonexistent in my vocabulary.

Nov 7, 2010
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? I am either too strict or too reckless. How can it be that hard to find a happy balance? The day’s total came to 6 apples, 3 egg whites, beans, 1 large chicken wrap, 10 coffee creamers, 1 protein shake, sweet potato fries, veggies, peppermint mocha, 2 huge muffins, 2 huge cookies, 1 scone from Starbucks, 1 protein bar, 1 cookies ‘n’ cream candy bar, 4 mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, 4 Peppermint Patties, 1 bagel with cream cheese, 1 peanut butter and chocolate cookie, 1 extra-large frozen yogurt smothered with candies, 1 bag of chocolate-covered Cinnamon Bears, 1 huge cinnamon sticky bun, 10 servings of white chocolate-covered pretzels, 1 bowl of Special K, and 1 yogurt. It was a  pretty fun day minus the small fact that this was the worst binge for me in 6 months. I took a little bit of castor oil, which can work as a laxative and all night I had severe cramps and diarrhea. It got to the point where I felt so dizzy and nauseous I thought i would black out or throw up! Then again, I did take it on purpose…

Nov 15, 2011
It’s been about 1-week now, and things have been little rocky. I got brought into clinic today 15 minutes early … uh-oh. As I had presumed, it was a meeting with the nutritionist, the therapists, and the director of the ED program. The director said I am the most determined individual when I put my mind to something than anyone she’s ever encountered. Now to put it to the correct use is the challenge … If I don’t commit to recovery I will be doing this until I’m 40 years old. I can’t keep magically thinking I have time to change and put off living. The time is now.

Nov 27, 2012
All I can think about is calories, food, weight, and my body. Why do I hold on to something intangible so tightly? The truth is I never wanted to give up anorexia … I was cheated, bribed, forced out of it … or so I like to believe … it couldn’t have really been I who lost control. Sure, when I was obese, when I’m binging, when I’m abusing laxatives, I wanted to give up ED and be done, but that didn’t include anorexia. Then again, what am I saying. Is this even me talking at all? Is this you, ED? Why can’t I get through my head that anorexia, binge eating disorder, and bulimia are all driven by the same eating disorder? The same core issues! Sure, they are different forms, which result in different behaviors, which therefore lead to different appearances, but I can’t keep fooling myself into thinking anorexia was so different from what I’m going through right now. It’s still the same damn eating disorder trying to kill me. So why can’t I let it go? What about life? What about truly living, not merely existing? I’m scared. I have to start from square one and rebuild a shattered life. But deep down I want to.

Nov 2, 2017
Life is so good right now. I feel like everything is falling into place. Maybe not that much has changed … but I have made small changes that were and are significant in helping me climb to the greatest of heights. I’ll admit the view is more than worth it. However, it’s the boundless trails I have walked and the many more that I seek, which matters most.

∗Sequel will tentatively cover 2013 – 2018

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