🚫There was never an “aha moment” when I first recognized I had an eating disorder. Part of the reason I struggled so severely and for so long was because my eating disorder swore it wasn’t to blame. In fact, it guaranteed that an eating disorder didn’t even apply to me or was real. Sure, eating disorders were real, but I was just fine. My state of denial was as strong and deadly as the disorder itself.
My troubles began when I was diagnosed with anorexia at 13. I was fortunate that my parents were proactive in finding me help, but I brushed it aside. My eating disorder was a ruthless liar, and it was louder than the pleas of those trying to help. As my eating disorder progressed, I began to lose touch with reality entirely. But it was not a choice I consciously consented to. Deep inside I begged for someone to rescue me, but I didn’t even know from what.
My freshman year of college was supposed to be a new start, and also an escape from my parent’s watchful eye. My eating disorder absolutely thrived. The university soon forced me to leave to get help for my eating disorder. Huh? What eating disorder? I was admitted to a hospital, and I wasn’t expected to live. However, all I could think about was hiding food. “I’m fine! I’m fat! I don’t have a problem!” I screamed.
I survived, but my state of denial intensified. My struggles transformed into binge eating disorder, and my behaviors led me to rapidly gain weight. My eating disorder was livid and berated me to diet harder because obviously my only problem was a lack of self-control. My descent into bulimia was no different. Swallowing handfuls of laxatives following secret binges was no big deal because I didn’t have an eating disorder —so it was fine … right?
The issue is you will most likely never believe you have an eating disorder, or that it’s that bad. You will believe in the endless excuses your disorder feeds you about how you’re not sick enough. You are! An eating disorder is a vicious cycle of deception and denial. The only way to get out is to reach a place of awareness. You don’t need to have all the answers, but you do need to admit you have a problem in order to heal. ~Britt💜
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