?I wanted to recover perfectly. In fact, I demanded myself to be the definition of it —and this is, in part, why my recovery was so sporadic. The thought of recovery and its ambiguity was very intimidating. You have to forge your own trail, and you have to create your own way. And I believed this was all a bunch of idiocy. If I couldn’t be guaranteed of doing recovery right, then I didn’t want to recover at all.
My habitual tendency to view life through an all-or-nothing lens became a hinderance in my recovery process. I despised being wrong. But recovery felt wrong! Therefore, I must be doing it wrong! I had this image in my head of what a perfect recovery was supposed to be …
—It was those individuals who always posed with their aesthetically balanced meals, and a smile on their face.
—Those individuals who seemed to recover to a socially ideal body type, and not one pound over.
—Those individuals who boast how happy they are for recovering, while also implying it wasn’t that hard.
Because my recovery looked a-little-bit-more-like-this …
—It was sitting down to a conventional breakfast, and bursting into tears because there was too much butter on my toast.
—It was gaining weight disproportionately, and past my set point.
—It was practicing intuitive eating, and then having it tip over into a full-blown binge.
—It was sitting in front of a therapist and dietician while I cursed and confessed my brokenness.
—It was following my meal plan and feeling less guilt.
—It was taking a rest day, despite the screaming protests in my head.
—It was reminding myself continuously that recovery is not easy, but it is worth committing to.
The definition of recovery is: a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. The definition of how you get there is up to you to define. It’s challenging to embark on such a daunting journey without confirmation of your destination. But it is crucial that you remember your compass is different from those around you. You have to navigate your own way. There is no right or wrong way to recover. There is only the decision to do so. ~Britt?
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