RECOVERY FEELS WRONG
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RECOVERY FEELS WRONG!I felt like I was committing a crime every time I took an action towards recovery. I imagined myself as a prisoner trying to escape. Adrenaline surged through my veins in my state of hypervigilance. I was sure I’d be caught at any moment —caught and chastised for my disobedience to my disorder. To be honest, I wanted the safety of my captivity more than I wanted the freedom recovery might provide.
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The most important thing to know is that you don’t have to want to recover in order to still choose to. This is normal! You’ll never want to recover in the beginning because it is not comfortable! You have to go against everything you’ve come to know. You have to break every single rule that you believed was keeping you safe. That is terrifying! And that is courage at its finest.
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I remember exactly how I felt when the emotions my eating disorder had suppressed began to surface. I felt like I was dying. I thought I was going insane. Pain, trauma, and unresolved issues I had previously tried to numb were suddenly erupting. And I had never wanted the comfort of my eating disorder more. In fact, that was when my eating disorder voice was screaming the loudest —when I was most vulnerable —and when I was closest to change.
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By seeing the process through, I learned that the breakdowns in recovery are what lead to the breakthroughs. I had to completely relearn a new way to act, think, feel, and be. When it comes to recovery, if it feels wrong that means you are doing it right. It means you are growing and your eating disorder is shrinking. Don’t listen to your eating disorder’s shouting orders —this is when you must ignore them the most.
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Multiple times each day you must face your biggest fear. You cannot abstain from food! The beginning is the most difficult. You have to have blind faith and trust that the choice to continue choosing recovery will be worth it.
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I had always wanted someone who had been in my shoes to tell me if recovery was really worth it. I for one, wasn’t so easily convinced. So, if you are wondering —it is absolutely worth each step. You are undergoing temporary discomfort in exchange for lasting freedom. ~Britt?