Brittany Burgunder

A SMILE THAT SCREAMS

I smiled -a smile that screamed I hated myself.

I grew up with nonexistent self-esteem. I was naturally a sensitive and shy kid. Circumstances at school didn’t help. But on the outside what was so wrong? I got straight A’s, I smiled, I pretended I had friends, I was a nationally ranked athlete and I had a loving family. What’s wrong?

You don’t choose mental illness. You don’t choose depression. You don’t choose anxiety. You don’t choose to be bullied. You don’t choose to wake up each day and cry at your own reflection. You don’t choose to feel so different. And when you are young, you don’t understand these feelings. You blame yourself and you’ll do anything to feel better and cope.

You don’t choose an eating disorder, or drugs, or alcohol, or an abusive relationship, or XYZ. You are looking for a way to take care of unmet needs. Forgive your beautiful heart. What a brave should you were for trying to help yourself.

And then years go by -perhaps a decade or more. I lived with such negative beliefs well before my eating disorder took hold. You’d think there would be no hope for me to change -2 decades of torment plus a decade of a monster covering up my deepest wounds. I was held captive -gone -I remember each day.

But my gift to you is something you already own. It’s within your heart and soul. I am no exception. I’m not stronger. I’m a highlighted example here to remind you that all of you can overcome anything you may be dealing with -and become who you were meant to be all along -happy, healthy and whole.

I smile -a smile that screams I love myself. ~Britt

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