ALL THE DIFFERENCE
How do you know when you’ve crossed the line? What if you never realized that there ever was a line? How do you know when you’ve gone too far? My initial thoughts of changing my body were well-intentioned, but somewhere along the way my motives shifted without my awareness.
One of the difficulties I have when I reflect upon my journey is that I often had conflicting goals. There were times I looked at my body kindly and felt inspired to treat it so. I wanted to accept and embrace how I looked. Other times, my drive for competitive athletics led me to adopt a lifestyle that would facilitate my performance. I wanted to be strong, fit, fast, and fierce. And then there were times I glared into the mirror with disgust and disapproval. I wanted to shrink and make myself small. I thought losing weight would erase my self-hate.
These goals never coexisted well. The lines between them collided and blurred. I was unable to commit to one way of life for very long because my other goals contrasted so sharply in comparison. I felt as if I were physically trying to juggle my contradicting emotions and objectives. And it was only so long that I could keep such opposing forces in motion before everything came crashing down.
In hindsight, my fate was foreseeable. While one part of me was steadfast on bettering myself and enhancing my body, the other was insidiously breaking myself down from deep within. It took a while for me to realize the difference. The lines had been obscured for so long that I was unable to easily recognize where one goal ended and another began.
I had to learn to set clear limits with my behaviors and actions. Most importantly, I had to learn to set boundaries with my intentions and with myself. And doing this made the difference I was looking for all along. ~Britt