BEATING THE BINGE

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?My strife with bulimia and binge eating disorder proved to be the most maddening. Prior to my first binge, I had battled with anorexia for 7 years. Restricting wasn’t an issue at that time, but eating more seemed impossible. My world flipped over the night my idea of “eating more” escalated into my first full-blown binge. My loss of control scared me, but the feelings of sheer exhilaration and recklessness were seductive and addicting. The prospect that I could continue bingeing and undo it with restriction was all too tantalizing. That is until I wanted to stop … and couldn’t.
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My life soon revolved around my binges. Sometimes I’d plan them with meticulous detail, other times they’d sneak up from behind. Either way, I clearly had no authority over my actions. The same routine ensued after each binge. My raging guilt would scribble a diet plan, “starting today,” that I was to follow. I’d feel slight relief about my monstrous binge knowing that, “it was the last one ever,” and that restriction should counter it. But I’d hardly last a week before my food obsessed brain abrogated my efforts. And the same cycle would commence once again.
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The most frustrating part was that I wanted to eat normally! I didn’t want to binge or restrict. I simply wanted to stop bingeing FIRST, so that I could begin eating regularly. I wouldn’t entertain the possibility of stopping the restriction first because what if I continued to binge? What if the restriction was the only thing keeping my weight in check? I was caught in a burdensome catch-22. I could continue trying to stop the bingeing before the restricting, or I could stop restricting and risk my worst fears coming true.
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It took me years before I found resolution. I believed I should be able to override my problems with willpower just as I was able to do when I was anorexic. To save you from the same fate, take this to heart —you cannot beat bingeing with restricting. In fact, bingeing only exists because restriction is present! It’s terrifying to trust that your body will figure out how to take care of itself without your interfering. And it’s magnificent when you take the leap and see that it does. ~Britt?