ILLUSION OF CONTROL

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🔐I was convinced I could have both total control and a life. I was unwilling to compromise and frankly, I I was unable to see them separately. I craved control. I needed control. And I depended on control —my life depended on control. If I couldn’t have control, I couldn’t have a life.
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I developed a dysfunctional relationship with control early in life. My obsession with it was born out of insecurity and fear. I didn’t know how I was supposed to cope with my feelings. Out of desperation I stumbled upon control, but it was not an outwardly, loud type of control. Rather, it was an intimate and internal source of power that allowed me to function and manage my emotions. I was hooked.
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My affair with control grew deeper, and my methods for utilizing it expanded. I could control what I ate, when I ate, where I ate, and how I ate. I was in charge of my exercise. I could rely on the clock to keep all my activities precisely on schedule —everyday became a copy of the previous, and soon I was able to live the same day over and over on autopilot. I felt invincible in my bubble of safety. And I was … no one could reach me. But when my bubble of safety began to suffocate me … no one could reach me to help either.
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As my life began to fall apart, I only clung to control harder to rescue me. My life had been reduced to numbers, secrecy, obsession, and anxiety. I lost the capacity to care about friends and family. I was unable to deviate from my routine. My smile faded and my joy for sports ceased. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. And my devotion to losing weight landed me in a hospital bed. But this is what I wanted, right? The irony is the more in control I felt, the more out of control I actually was.
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I still desire control. The difference now is that I have learned how to manage control, rather than allowing it to manage my life. Trying to regulate the unknown with control might feel safe, but ultimately it sabotages any potential positive outcome. Life requires that you relinquish control and trust in the present moment. No one knows what the future holds. But I have found that the more I engage in life, the more in control I actually become. ~Britt💜