INVINCIBILITY FABLE
Knowledge is power. Good News, bad news, or incorrect news; knowledge is still power if you choose to use it so. ~Britt
I want to share with you all a rather startling and unpleasant experience I had about 2 months ago. To make a long story short, I ended up getting some tests done that I didn’t plan on having. In fact, I wasn’t even told what the tests were for or why it was being done. I went to see a doctor for one specific reason, which should have been a 30 minute appointment, but that 30 minutes turned into 4 hours and only stopped after 4 hours because I was crying and said, “That’s it! I have to go.” What happened was I had these somewhat “new age – alternative medicine –holistic” tests done and then someone came in to interpret the results. Some of the results were great and some… really freaked me out. The person interpreting my results went on for hours about all these additional tests that should be ordered, how a treatment plan needed to be formulated and blah blah blah. It was also my first week of winter quarter at Cal Poly and it had already been an emotional week, so this was just too much. However, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
I checked with all my other doctors whom I trust and they laughed at the tests I had been put through and told me I was as healthy as ever. So, great… I’m okay, I’m good, but why did I have a breakdown in that office? Why didn’t I use my boundaries and words to challenge what was being said to me as I so often do? Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Looking back I can tell you now. This nightmare of a doctor’s appointment ended up triggering and bringing up a fear so great of mine that I broke into a million pieces. Because I’ve always had and still have this question that sits in the back of my mind. How did I go through everything that I did…? How did I beat every single odd…? How did I escape an almost certain death without a scratch? Being caught up in the moment of hearing these test results, I thought to myself, “See! You aren’t some superhuman person. You really did destroy your body. You really do have consequences because of your past.” I felt as if I had been given the answer to this mystery; some sort of confirmation at the time. Now, those results weren’t valid. But it forced me to look at a part of my eating disorder and past that I never wanted to contemplate.
And this brings me to an important point that hit me hard and I hope it hits you hard as well. I’ll call it the “It-will-never-happen-to-me-syndrome.” And it occurs with so many of us. In fact, it’s human nature. People text while driving, people drive while drunk, people try a drug for the first time, etc. Point being, humans seem to have this built in philosophy despite solid statistics that it will never happen to them. It might happen to others, but not me. I’m special, I’m different, I’m more careful, not me. So let’s tie this into eating disorders, which also parallel addiction in certain ways. First and foremost, an eating disorder is never your fault, but how you choose to overcome it is your responsibility.
Sometimes we get so deep into our disease that it literally overtakes us, it becomes us, we are one with it and we lose sight of reality. We get sicker and sicker and our behaviors more and more insane. But again, we’re fine, right? I can exercise another 30 minutes, I can throw up a few more times, I can take an additional 10 laxatives, I can cut out 200 more calories, I can stuff down 15,000 calories, just a few more pounds, just a… stop!
I’ve lost too many people I care to count from this disease. They aren’t any different from you. They aren’t any different from me. Eating disorders tend to make you feel in control while in ironic contrast they make you as out of control and vulnerable to harm as ever. This was an eye opening experience for me and ultimately, what was seemingly a catastrophe at the time, has now become a catalyst for change.
And so I’ll leave you with this: The “it-will-never-happen-to-me” phenomenon? It can happen to you, but you do have every bit of control over making better choices, making positive changes and ultimately creating a wonderful future. ~Britt