POOR VISIBILITY
A perfect storm was forming inside her head with deafening thunder along with flashes of brilliant lightning. A girl so talented with so much to look forward to fell captive to her own illusion of what her mind led her to believe was perfect. Blinded by the rain she lost her way. Drowned out by the wind, her cries for help were not being heard.
She wakes up every morning and gets dressed in the clothes she picked out the night before. She sleepily makes her way to the bathroom and stares in the mirror. A rush of anger, sadness and disgust comes over her leaving goose bumps on her arms. The reflection she sees seems to leap out of the glass and suffocate her with disapproval.
“Look at you! You’re ugly and fat!”
“I know I don’t look like a model, but I’m not that bad right?”
“Ha! Don’t flatter yourself. You are a loser and a loner.”
“I’m not the most popular, but at least I have a few friends.”
“Nothing you do is good enough. You’re flawed and undeserving.”
“Well I suppose I don’t feel very good about myself.”
“The only way you will ever be loved and accepted is if you’re perfect.”
“Hmmm, you know, now that I think about it, everyone who appears to be happy does seem to look pretty perfect…”
“I can make you happy. I can make you perfect. I can help you show them all.”
“You’re right. I am worthless. I am a loser. I am a nobody.”
“I’m glad you finally agree. You can call me ED.”
“Ok ED, I’m glad you are looking out for me. Nice to meet you.”
She carries on with her life, but something is different. She wears a perfectly painted smile but the pain she traps inside is no longer easy to camouflage. What is wrong with me? She wakes up and struggles to get up out of bed. She gets dressed in multiple layers even though the sun is shining bright. She cautiously makes her way to the bathroom and stares into the mirror. A rush of panic pierces through her body and she shudders with anticipation.
“Come on! Is this the best you can do? You’re pathetic!”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m a failure. I will try to work harder.”
“Being sorry isn’t enough. You’re lazy and undeserving!”
“I know… I know.”
“There are so many people thinner than you!”
“That’s true, but I’m scared.”
“Keep going! Perfect people aren’t quitters! Exercise longer, eat less, and achieve more. The only way you will be acceptable is if you surpass everyone else.”
“I’m giving up all my dreams.”
“Ha! Don’t be silly! You know that you will never be the best at anything and you’re too afraid to try anyway.
“I hate you!”
“Yeah, that’s what you always say, but you know you can’t live without me.”
“What if I die in the process? Is this really the way to happiness?
“You promised to trust me. If you ever want to be loved, happy and successful you must be perfect.”
“Yes ED, yes…”
All she ever wanted was to be happy. All she ever wanted was to feel good enough. All she ever wanted was a close friend. All she ever wanted was to believe that everything would be okay. She clenches her fists and her heart starts to race. Cautiously, but with determination she walks into the bathroom. A cold chill runs down her spine as she turns on the light and glances towards the mirror. ~Britt