THE PROBLEM WITH PROBLEMS
“I feel like I need to have a problem in my life because I am a problem.”
I remember reciting this sentence back to my therapist and then freezing for a moment replaying over in my head what I had just said. It gave me goose bumps and I felt a sense of, “oh my gosh! What did I just say?” But what I did just say was something that for me was unconsciously something I truly believed. I have always felt less than, not good enough, inadequate, like I was a mistake or damaged. I always believed there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t I have friends? Why did my peers tease me all the time? Why was I so sensitive? Why did I have to have a little sister that I was jealous of? Why did I have to share my mom with my sister? Why didn’t I fit in? Why couldn’t I be popular? Why was I so shy? Why was I so insecure? Why did the world scare me so much? Was I bad?
Yes, yes… that must be the reason. I must somehow be defective, different and inadequate. These were my beliefs early on as a child growing up, but I find it ironic looking back on my life now and seeing how certain beliefs led to somewhat unconscious behaviors and actions. Because I grew up always feeling I wasn’t good enough I placed a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to try and “make up” for my inadequacy as a human being. But when the pressure became too much to handle I had to find another way to cope. If I couldn’t make myself good enough by outperforming everyone and being perfect, then I had to find another way. So I turned to something else that could help myself make sense of my confusing and painful world. I figured if I had a problem then it would at least confirm and be in alignment with my belief that there was something wrong with me. You could call it a self-fulfilling prophecy… but not a good one.
Having an eating disorder was not a conscious choice. I had no idea what an eating disorder even was. But, do you see how it helped me make sense of my world at the time? Do you see how if I had a problem (an eating disorder) it would at least explain why all those bad (but not my fault) things happened? Do you see how it took the pressure off me having to be perfect? “It’s not my fault I lost the tennis match, didn’t get straight A’s, don’t have friends, etc., because I have an eating disorder.” Do you see how it gave me back a sense of power and control? I had no control over being bullied, over certain unfortunate events happening when I was a child without proper coping skills. But if I could hurt myself first… if I could beat myself down before anyone else could… at least I felt a certain sense of security because I could better predict my circumstances. I got to bully myself before anyone else could and to me, at the time, that was a meaningful feeling.
The wonderful thing about life and being human is that we have the ability to change no matter our age, no matter how long we’ve lived a certain way, no matter how long we’ve believed in certain things. Our brains have amazing plasticity. Meaning over time and with patience, we can rewire our brains to completely change for the better. It’s a lot of hard work to challenge your habits and the way you make sense of the world when that’s how you’ve lived most of your life. But often, the way you’ve made sense of the world really is not how it is and most importantly it is not because of who you are as a person.
You have the power right now to really look at your past. Look at your beliefs. Why do you feel so inadequate? Why do you feel you are a problem or need to have a problem in your life? These are questions so difficult to truly address that it’s often easier to just push them aside… to just never ask… to just keep on living and doing what you’ve always done. But what you’ve always done is not always right, healthy, productive or even based on truth. Have compassion for yourself. Have compassion for your inner child. Let yourself mourn the pain and unfortunate events that may have impacted how you felt about yourself. You have every right to be just as successful, happy, healthy, confident and loved as anyone else. And you are beautiful and good enough unconditionally. So, now I get to change my sentence:
“I felt like I needed to have a problem in my life, but I am not and never was the problem.” ~Britt