UNFORESEEN BLESSING
I fell in love with Velvet the minute our eyes locked. I’ve been riding since age 3 and love every horse I’ve met, but there was and is something so very different about her and it’s a feeling and bond that can’t be put into words. It was meant to be, we were going to buy her and then out of the blue some unanticipated circumstances occurred. I was devastated. It was the most pain I’ve ever felt. But Velvet continued to give me gifts as I sullenly looked at other horses for sale. She continued to fill my every thought with emotions so powerful it threw me for a loop. I knew rationally she most likely wouldn’t be mine and I kept rehearsing over and over again asking the Universe why. Why would you bring the most perfect animal and gift into my life only to have it ripped out of my hands in an instant? Why, at such a pivotal time in my life, where I needed exactly her, would it end like this? I threw around every possible scenario, but none of it made sense. I saw no bigger picture and I was angry, sad and confused. But like I said… Velvet continued offering me gifts that I only now can truly realize and make sense of.
Horses are such a wonderful thing for people in general, but for those struggling, recovering, or healing from any type of problem, they can be life changing. But there was something I needed to do on my own… something I had to do without the aid of a horse. I used to believe that horses had the power to replace my eating disorder. This isn’t completely true. You have to fully commit to getting rid of your eating disorder first. Not 99%, but 100%… and then they can truly enter your life as a blessing. So, while I was going through a terrible time emotionally, I came face to face with some hard facts I hadn’t wanted to address. I was so proud that I was succeeding in school that I hadn’t given much thought to where I actually was with my recovery. I was doing well and had almost given myself permission that “doing well” was good enough given the circumstances. Wrong! I believe in full recovery, so why was I not challenging myself more?
To make an already long story shorter, I made some very profound changes on my own, without a horse, in a state of brokenness. But I made those changes for me, for myself. If I had had Velvet when I originally had planned to buy her, I might not have made these changes. And if I did, I might have said it was all because of her. What you need to understand is that recovery cannot be placed in anyone else’s hands but your own. You will always have you. You might not always have your parents, friends, coach, treatment team, horse, etc. So then what? If your recovery is for “them” and you lose them… Do you also lose your confidence? Do you believe they had the power to make you recover? If so, relapse becomes all too tempting. This is why you have to dig deep within yourself and fight for your own true recovery on faith and will alone. Then, and only then, do the gifts and opportunities flood into your life.
I’m tearing up now, but Velvet did this for me… Through her I was able to find a strength within I didn’t even know existed. And my reward? Nothing short of divine. Here she is. She’s mine and I didn’t know such feelings of love and happiness were possible. But I earned it, I worked for it and because of that, I now get to enjoy my relationship that much more with her knowing that she is my blessing, not my solution. ~Britt