WHAT I CRAVE MOST
I want to share with you all something that I’m currently struggling with and perhaps some of you can relate. Friendships. As I’ve mentioned many times growing up, school was always a dreaded thing for me. I didn’t have any friends and to make matters worse I was bullied and teased. When I first developed my eating disorder it quickly became a built in friend. My eating disorder bullied me as well, but it didn’t ditch me, it didn’t leave me. It was an abusive friend that I could rely on to keep me company and distract me from the real pain of being a loner. So, I’ve gone about many, many years of my life having acquaintances, but never any true friends; just superficial ones. I would hide myself behind my smile, pretending everything was okay. I had to convince people everything was okay because everything was oh so very not okay.
So here I am at a difficult transition. My eating disorder cannot be my friend anymore and I can no longer have any sort of relationship with it. But it’s hard for me to trust people. It’s hard for me to really let people in… let them get close and let them see me even when I don’t have a smile on my face. There is honestly nothing more that I want than to have true friends and relationships. But in a way, I don’t know how to do it. I know how to speak to professionals and be a successful person. I know how to come off as confident and I know how to successfully work and achieve many things. But what I crave more than anything is to not feel so alone. It’s a tough transition when you start to let go of your eating disorder and don’t have a built in support network to take its place. I really appreciate all the support I get on social media and I wish that I could grab so many of you out of the screen and get to know you.
I have many people right here in my hometown, at my school and near me that keep asking to hang out or get together. These are all wonderful people who I know I can be real with and would be amazing friends. But I’m scared. I’ve been hurt and taken advantage of so many times by my peers. I’ve built my walls so high I can’t see the top. I have to force myself to try again. Trust again. Realize that my past doesn’t equal my present. I have to take my wall down brick by brick. I meet so many wonderful people everyday, but I’ve become a pro at ending conversations or stopping them before they move too far… before they turn into let’s get together or hang out.
It’s hard walking on campus and seeing groups of people having fun together or just hanging out. It’s hard to think that I never got to really experience what most people do growing up. I never went to parties; I never went to prom. I never really got to be one of those new freshmen enjoying college for the first time. And it’s really hitting me hard right now and that’s okay. I should cry about it. I should feel sad. I need to mourn. But then I need to move on and realize that I have within me the power to change my present situation.
I am going to challenge myself to get to know new people and to do my best to start saying yes instead of no when people ask me if I want to get together. I believe the only way to move forward and change is to do what you don’t want to do when you aren’t ready. Because we’ll never really be ready. There is no perfect time with anything. So if you are struggling with friendships, if you are struggling with being bullied, if you are struggling to break up with your eating disorder… I have gone through it and I’m still standing on my own two feet. It’s a hard process, but I’m facing it and I know with time I will create the solid group of friends I’ve always craved. You aren’t in this alone. I’m right here with you. So here is to having positive self-esteem and allowing others to see our true colors. I think we will all be pleasantly surprised.