Brittany Burgunder


?Eating disorders are the epitome of contradictions. You say one thing, but do the opposite. You hate something, yet do it anyway. Often, I felt as if my emotions, thoughts, and actions were screwed on backwards. It was as if I was hard-wired to operate by a system that was incompatible with society. I was afraid of the world. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of my eating disorder. But I was just as afraid to recover.

I didn’t understand how a seemingly simple choice could paralyze me. When I entertained the idea of recovery, my mind went into shock. Everything would go blank, and I’d freeze with terror and indecision. I was scared to death of recovery. I wanted it, but I didn’t want to do it. I did not know how to do it. Truthfully, I doubted it was even possible for me. But … I still longed for it.

One of my difficulties was that I didn’t think I should be as scared as I was. I thought there was something wrong with me, and that I was having an abnormal reaction. I thought I should want to recover and be confident at the same time. But this is seldom the case.

It is normal to have contradicting and coinciding fears. The fear of being unhappy and being too happy. The fear of failure and success. The fear of staying sick and getting well. I didn’t realize fear was a part of wanting something of importance. And I didn’t realize that courage preceded confidence. What’s most important is to be courageous in your desire to recover. The fear is not going to go away. There is no point in bargaining with yourself over waiting until you feel ready. Feeling ready doesn’t exist, and there will never be a right time.

Recovery is terrifying. You are relinquishing your safety blanket in exchange for an unknown future. It’s like leaping off a cliff while trusting your parachute will open. It is okay and normal to be afraid! You have to do it afraid. Take the leap. Action is the only tried and true remedy for overcoming fear and seizing change. ~Britt?

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