PERSONAL DIALOGUES WITH MY EATING DISORDER: A DAY IN THE LIFE

Eating disorders are more common than most people think, yet they are very misunderstood and often ignored. They also have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness in the world. We often associate an individual’s outward appearance with how that person is doing inwardly. This belief often trickles into the minds of those who are suffering with eating disorders and can make them believe they aren’t sick until it’s too late.

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade in the forms of anorexia, binge eating disorder, and bulimia. It’s disturbing what I went through, yet everything regarding eating disorders is disturbing – it’s just that no one wants to really talk about them bluntly. Each form of my eating disorder led my appearance to change, but not my mind. I almost lost my life many times, but weight was never the predominant factor. So without further ado, I will take you through a day in the life of battling each of the three forms of eating disorders I have experienced. Eating disorders often include a vicious and constant voice in one’s head that never shuts up. Indeed, I often felt that my eating disorder was a separate entity, and so I will refer to it as ED and myself as Brittany in the conversations below.

A Day With Anorexia:

ED: Get up you lazy fat ass!

Brittany: Ugh! I’m so tired. I wish I could just sleep forever.

ED: It’s 7:30 A.M.! If you don’t get up now your whole routine will be ruined!

Brittany: Shit! You’re right ED. I can’t fall a minute behind with my day.

ED: 300 calories for breakfast? Come on, you can get rid of some!

Brittany: But this is the breakfast I always eat. But you are right, yesterday I was able to throw a little bit of it away, so that means this morning I have to get rid of the same amount or more.

ED: You’re so fat, you worthless piece of shit! Let’s go! It’s time to go for your hour hike!

Brittany: I know ED. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

ED: Look in the mirror! Ha! And you have anorexia? What a joke! Your bones hardly show and your thighs almost touch. How pathetic!

Brittany: I hate myself! I don’t know why my parents and doctors worry so much about me. I look completely normal and healthy. I wish I looked like a skeleton. Then maybe I’d actually think I had accomplished something.

ED: Did you see that girl? She’s thinner than you! You are such a failure!

Brittany: She is thinner than me. Why am I so jealous of this? How has my whole identity and worth become based on being the sickest?

ED: It’s 12:30! You better start water loading and putting weights in your bra and underwear before your doctor’s appointment!

Brittany: 85lbs. Fuck! I weighed 84lbs. last week on this same scale! Why am I gaining weight! Maybe the scale is off? Maybe it’s because I drank a little more water? Or because I hid an extra rock in my underwear?

ED: No, you idiot! It’s because you are a fat, worthless human!

ED: Come on, you’re late for your first gym session!

Brittany: All right. I’ll eat a 120-calorie protein bar instead of my favorite 200-calorie protein bar for my snack.

ED: That’s more like it! Good job, Brittany!

Brittany: Whew! Thanks for the compliment ED!

ED: Why are you stopping? You did 63 minutes on the Stairmaster yesterday. You know the deal! It’s 63 minutes again today or more!

Brittany: My heart feels funny. But I have to go 3 more minutes. I really should go 4 more minutes to feel proud of myself, but I know that means tomorrow I’ll have to workout for 64 minutes at a minimum. Ah this will never end!

ED: Well you made it. You did your hike, neighborhood walk, and 3 gym sessions.

Brittany: Yeah… I’m so tired… Is this really what life is supposed to be like? Is it normal that I go to 3 different gyms a day just so others don’t get suspicious that I am over-exercising?

ED: At least now you earned your dinner and snack tonight.

Brittany: True. I hate waiting until midnight to actually allow myself to eat, but I have no choice. What if for some reason I missed a workout, or was forced to eat unplanned food? I could never take that risk.

ED: Your parents just went to bed. Turn on the microwave for noise and hurry outside to throw your piece of chicken and rice over the fence!

Brittany: I’m going. Okay, now I can finally eat while I relax by researching low calorie foods on the Internet.

ED: Time for bed! Tomorrow you’ll have to do better.

Brittany: I’m freezing again! I must look like an idiot wearing 3 layers of pajamas pants, 4 top layers and a beanie on my head… and now I’m going to sit by the space heater in my room for an hour while journaling my day.

ED: Don’t forget to also write down your calories for the day you worthless, pathetic person!

Brittany: Finally… it feels so good to lie in bed… but I can’t sleep again. I’m so terrified to die in my sleep… I just took my heart rate and it’s only 43 BPM. I guess I’ll have to lie awake until the sun rises again. At least that way my parents will be awake and could intervene in case I take my final breath.

A Day With Binge Eating Disorder:

Brittany: Am I still dreaming? Are these fat rolls really mine? This has to be a nightmare.

ED: Ha! You wish! Now you truly are a total obese disappointment! And to think only a year ago you were 160 pounds lighter. You are the definition of a failed anorexic!

Brittany: How is this possible? I hate myself! I just want to sleep forever!

ED: You know there is a jar of peanut butter your dad hid last night. You know you want to go find it.

Brittany: Ugh! I swore today would be the day I would start my extreme diet to undo what I have become.

ED: What an idiot! You know you have no power over me! Come on… one more binge… and let’s make this one count!

Brittany: Well I am already so fat now. How much could one more binge really hurt? It is always fun trying to find the food my family hides. I know they are only trying to help… but it’s such a fun game to play.

ED: Get up! Get your fat lazy ass out of bed! You’ve already ruined yourself, so now you’re going to continue to punish yourself into oblivion. It’s all or nothing, you know that… and believe me… you can kiss your identity of anorexia goodbye.

Brittany: Oh gosh… I’m already out of breath walking up the stairs. I’m starting to sweat. My whole body hurts.

ED: Come on! The sooner you start binging the sooner you don’t have to feel anything and can numb out the world.

Brittany: I hate this! I need help! But look at me! My dad’s clothes are skin tight on me! There is no help for me and no one would take me seriously anyway.

ED: Well at least you’ve got that right!

Brittany: Ah! I found it! I found the peanut butter! Oh I’m so excited! It’s like a drug!

ED: Well, now that you’ve polished off the peanut butter there is no stopping now!

Brittany: Yeah, no way… I need another distraction… I really want donuts… maybe McDonalds…

ED: You know what that means. You are going to have to drive to the next city where you are less likely to run into anyone who knows you. Plus, there is a McDonald’s drive through, so you won’t even have to leave your car.

Brittany: Ok let’s go! But I have to grab all the snack food I can to eat on the drive there… I can’t stop binging!

ED: Wow… a dozen donuts and a ham and cheese croissant. What a fat pig you are! And I bet they really believed your story about buying the dozen donuts for a party. Your existence is disgusting!

Brittany: Oh I feel so sick! My hands are literally shaking from all the sugar and my heart is racing so fast I think it might jump out of my chest!

ED: You drove all the way up here. McDonalds and a frozen yogurt shop is only a block away. You aren’t done yet!

Brittany: Ugh I know… I can’t stop until I literally go into a food coma… maybe while I eat I’ll research eating disorder treatment centers for binge eating disorder, so at least I can somehow justify this binge as perhaps the last one…

ED: Yeah, funny Brittany… you know you’d never actually go through with checking into treatment.

Brittany: Wow! An XXL frozen yogurt full of candy… 2 spoons of course so the cashier thought I would be sharing… and I also made it to McDonald’s drive through. An order of 20-piece chicken McNuggets, fries, 2 McFlurrys, a Big Mac, an Egg McMuffin and 3 chocolate chip cookies. Again… they were for my imaginary roommates… I hate you ED!

ED: You know you love it! You know you need me! I just allowed you to fill your day with activities until you pass out with shame and disbelief.

Brittany: And in a sick way you’re right… food has become my friend, my comfort, the way to fill my days and the way to once again escape my reality… but my stomach literally feels like it might explode and I’m worried my heart could just burst from beating so fast. And if I were to die like this… oh gosh… how could I do that to my parents after everything they’ve already been through?

A Day With Bulimia:

ED: Today’s the day!

Brittany: What… what do you mean ED… it’s 8:00 A.M.…

ED: Oh you can’t resist anymore! You’ve eaten clean for a week straight; you know it’s time.

Brittany: Oh fuck! Don’t tempt me… I have been craving a binge all week and a break from my restricting and over-exercising… Ugh I hate myself! I just want to sleep forever!

ED: You know the only way you are allowed to give yourself a “break” and cancel commitments you have is to binge and make yourself sick.

Brittany: I have been so stressed lately… I don’t know… I really am looking forward to playing tennis and riding horses this week… but gosh am I burned out…

ED: Come on! Get up! You’re fat, ugly and a loser anyway. You can’t even last longer than a week without gorging yourself, you fat pig! Go on… it’s the 1-week mark besides… and you know the drill.

Brittany: No, no! Today will be the day I don’t give in. Come on Britt you can do it…

Brittany: Well I got through my usual breakfast… but now it’s time for my morning workout… I – just – can’t…

ED: I knew you’d give in! You have no control and you know I’m your only friend. You can’t say no to me!

Brittany: How did this happen? Just 30 minutes ago I was feeling slightly better about my body image and was ready to go on with my day… But here I am… standing in the pantry in front of a mountain of empty food wrappers.

ED: Yep! You blew it! Too late now! You already look pregnant with twins, so let’s make this binge count!

Brittany: Well I’ve already gone past the point of no return… stupid all or nothing thinking. And since I have already decided to overdose later on laxatives, I might as well “enjoy myself.”

ED: You know you look too gross to go in public and you know you don’t possibly want to put on clothes or makeup!

Brittany: Shit! Okay well my parent’s aren’t home, so I guess I’ll put on one of my dad’s large sweatshirts and order takeout delivered from my favorite diner.

ED: You better order enough to satisfy a daylong binge!

Brittany: Oh gosh… $70 dollars again just on one order and the worst part is I ate it all: 3 large pancakes, a whole container of breakfast potatoes, an order of French toast, 4 sausages, 2 eggs, a cinnamon roll, buttermilk biscuits, a milkshake and a deep dish apple pie. Am I insane? The lady who delivered my food sure thought I was. I tried to explain it wasn’t just for me with a smile and a laugh, but holy shit! I need help! I hate this! Oh gosh I feel like I’m going to die!

ED: That’s what you always say! How predictable! Every week you swear it will be the last time. You are nothing but a hopeless wreck. Good thing you have me. No one would love or want to be around such an ugly, fat defective human being.

Brittany: I feel so sick. I need to lie down. Please someone help me! I really don’t want to do this… I really don’t want to die…

ED: You know you have to! If you don’t take the laxatives you might binge tomorrow. You have to take them to signify the end of the binge. Take them! You hate yourself! Look what you did! Punish yourself! Who cares! Go for it!

Brittany: You’re right! I do hate myself! I give up! I deserve this!

Brittany: Do not exceed 3 tablets… yeah… well I just took 60 laxatives… and I know what’s coming for me shortly… a day spent in the bathroom in tears… silently holding back the fear. Is this how it’s going to end? Will I become nothing more than another statistic?

A Day In Recovery:

Brittany: Wow! I’m pretty sore from riding yesterday, but it feels good and what a great ride it was!

Brittany: Today’s been nice so far! I had a balanced breakfast, walked the dogs and I’m going to play tennis later with a friend.

Brittany: Damn! I really hate my body today…

Brittany: Maybe I should change my clothes into something more comfortable so I won’t be so self-conscious. This sucks!

Brittany: Wow! Good job Britt! I was able to eat a cookie my friend shared with me after tennis and I actually felt proud of myself for it!

ED: You need to restrict some of your dinner tonight to make up for it!

Brittany: What was that? ED was that you? Are you still there? ED?

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please seek help immediately. There are many useful eating disorder resources available. ~Britt