THE PERIL OF PERFECTIONISM

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✨I used to have this delusional belief that in order to matter in life, I had to be the best. This had nothing to do with narcissism —it was the opposite actually. Any source of self-esteem I possessed had run dry. I had no reserves left when I was feeling low. Internally I was depleted, and so I embarked on a desperate external search for fulfillment —no matter the source.
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My quest for meaning looked a lot like perfectionism. I didn’t do things out of intrinsic motivation per se, but rather out of frenetic hope that something I did would be the golden ticket to granting me self-worth. I was good at things, but never the best —never perfect —and therefore, a failure.
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A handful of unthinkable conditions collided. And when the dust settled, I found a new outlet and source of identity —an eating disorder. Although an eating disorder is never a choice, I was quick to cling to the instant gratification I received from performing compulsive rituals. I was good at an eating disorder and I was committed to becoming the best.
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I was reluctant to give up my eating disorder. Sure, maybe I wasn’t happy, maybe it was ruining aspects of my life, but it was also what made me feel special. It was something I was an expert at. It was something no one else could take from me. And frankly, I had invested so much time and energy, that letting it go seemed worse than continuing down a grim road I knew well.
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Personally, it seemed preferable to be the best at something horrible, rather than average at something wonderful. I feared that without my eating disorder, I’d once again be left empty inside. In reality, my life with an eating disorder was not only empty, but a dead end. Only in hindsight was I able to see how irrational this logic of mine was.
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Much of my recovery process was about detaching little by little from my eating disorder, while little by little committing more to my healing. And eventually I found that I had developed enough self-esteem and courage to abandon a once familiar path and begin again somewhere new. ~Britt?