A BEAUTIFULLY HARD TRANSITION

I have been through more mentally, emotionally and physically in the past 2 and 1/2 months alone than perhaps ever. That’s quite a statement for me to say given the extremes I’ve put my body through physically in the past. But without going in to every detail, the sum of what has happened on a variety of levels lately are significant. Now a lot of what has and is taking place is positive, so I’m not complaining. But much of it has also been very difficult and has required a lot of strength. Basically, I’ve been under a large amount of stress, both positive and negative, without a break. I’m used to this. I’ve lived most of my life like this. But I don’t want to anymore. None of you, besides a few select people, even know what I am referring to specifically and that’s okay, you don’t need to and that’s not the point of this blog. But to give you a little idea, I’ve been faced with multiple stressors that would be considered significant to most people just experiencing one. But I’ve experience quite a few. I’m so used to putting on my game face and pushing through like the superwoman I believe I have to be, that I didn’t realize the toll it’s taken on me. If anything it’s now led me to a beautifully hard transition in my life and for that I am grateful. Mostly this blog is for me and to help me vent my thoughts and keep myself accountable. I want to talk about where I am in my life right now, social media, my goals moving forward and my book that will soon be available.

Receiving my manuscript back from my publishing company to review and add my own last edits opened up quite a can of worms in my life. But gosh, did I need it. There was a part of me that didn’t want to re-read my book … it’s traumatizing and I’m still working through that trauma. Nonetheless I read through it, I applied my edits and then I sat … not quite sure how to process or make my thoughts into coherent sense. But I’m starting to now. There were so many clear themes throughout my book … so many themes that are still a part of the person I am today. But a lot of the ways I think, act and push myself are not healthy and are things I want to change so that history doesn’t eventually repeat itself.

I am a type ‘A’ perfectionist to the most ridiculous extremes. This serves me well in competition, in academics and in work settings. But does it make me happy? No! Why do I do it? Well, growing up without friends or peer support, I believed that the only way to get any sort of validation was through external success. It also meant that I put others before my own needs to unhealthy levels. I’d let my peers cheat off my homework, cheat off tests, I’d do their homework –anything to perhaps make them not hate me more, anything to reduce the bullying, anything to maybe wake up one day and have friends. All it would have taken was one good friend … one life changing person, comment, scenario. It never happened. But that’s okay.

Regardless, my self-esteem was so utterly low that I looked to external successes to give me guidance, boundaries and feedback. And when the pressure I placed upon myself grew too great in tennis, horses, and academics … well I turned to an eating disorder that soon gave me guidance, boundaries and feedback. NO IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE OR FAULT! But as a 13-year-old girl, it helped me survive. It helped me relieve some of the unrealistic pressure and standards I placed on myself. But as I was reading my book, my life, my past … it hit me hard. I grew up and I grew up fast. I don’t remember a childhood. I lived a life from a very young age always performing, always working, always going above and beyond, and always going the ten extra miles in everything I did. I never had sleepovers, I never went to the movies, I never spent weekends watching TV, reading fun books, going on road trips, sleeping in. I never went to parties, I never went on vacation, I never went to prom … and before I knew it my eating disorder was in complete control anyway … and so my growing up then became pure survival. In and out of treatment centers, hospitals, fighting for my life. But no I never rested! No it was never enough! I was never enough … I had to be the best. I had to be the best at it all. I had to come home straight out of treatment and get back on the tennis court, look for a job, get back to competing horses, think about applying to top colleges and make up for the time I lost while away. I never slept. I’d stay up well past midnight to get that A+, my mind never left me alone. As an outsider you’d probably see a girl you’d want to be … I was a talented athlete, smart and painted a smile of happiness and accomplishment on my face. But I was dying.

But here I am now in 2015 and I’ve seen so much of life … so much good, so much bad, so much pain and so much beauty. I almost lost my life on so many occasions. To be honest, it still baffles me that not only did I live, but I was given back my health. Yet, still, I’ve been falling into my old patters and ways of thinking that don’t serve me well. I give and I give and I give and I give. I bend over backwards to help countless strangers. I put everyone first. I value my handwork and a job well done over my own well-being. This all stops and this all stops now. The best teachers in life are our own selves if we are willing to really look at ourselves, which is one of the most difficult things to do in life. I know how to be successful, I know how to work with and communicate with some of the most professional and accomplished individuals, I know how to get straight A’s, I know how to win athletic events, and I just might win the people pleaser award of the century. You know what? Forget it! I used to want so badly to follow the course of life that others expected, that others would think was right. But clearly my life has been the definition of the road less traveled. And I love that and I want to embrace that. In fact, my most incredible opportunities have come when I least expected it, when I didn’t force it, when I wasn’t planning or trying to control it.

So, to make sense of this very long and jumbled paragraph … I want to live my life differently. It may not look all that different to an outsider, but to me it will be the most liberating thing I can do. I am going to change the way I think, the way I approach certain scenarios and how I spend my time. You may look at me and think, “Gosh I wish I had her composure, maturity and accomplishments.” But I look at you and I think, “I would trade every success I’ve ever had to simply have a good group of friends and be able to relax.” I don’t know what “normal” is … I never did. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to let go or be lazy. I don’t know how to get a ‘B’; I don’t know how to say “No!” So, I am embarking on a new transition in my life. One that I am incredibly excited for and also one that will be difficult as it means changing the ways I’ve thought and acted for decades. But I am committed to do so.

This brings me next to social media. I can’t emphasize enough how much each of you who support my journey and write to me, whether I know you in person or not, mean to me. You are all a part of my continued success and contribute to my courage to move forward with such a vulnerable story. So before I say anything else I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I truly wish that I could meet each one of you, talk to you personally and give you each the biggest hug. But I also realize that my heart is huge. This is something I love the most about myself. However, my heart is so huge and my desire to help others is so great, that often I use up all my energy pouring my heart out to countless amounts of people who reach out to me everyday. And then I sit back and wonder why I’m so tired, or don’t have enough left in my tank for myself. This is where the art of boundaries come in and for people pleaser’s you can probably agree with me that saying the word, “no” feels equivalent to the word, “failure,” “not good enough,” “lazy,” “selfish,” insert your own condescending word. But this is false!

Do you know what putting others, work, and success first got me? It got me a ticket to my own funeral that I was blessed to never attend. My brain continues to tell me to be superwoman, to do it all, to be everyone’s support … but I can’t. I am human. And in realizing I am human, I am also realizing that I have choices. And without my eating disorder, I am also realizing that it is up to me to create my own guidance, boundaries and feedback. So, I want to make something very clear right now. I love receiving all of your comments on my social media sites and I love receiving all your private emails and messages reaching out to me. I’m not asking you to stop. I read every single word you write to me and afterward all I want to do is sit down with you personally to give you my undivided attention. But right now I can’t. Right now I need to focus on me. I need to put myself first. I need to lower my expectations for myself. I need to have fun. I need to learn how to relax. I need to enjoy life for once. So, if you find that I don’t respond to your comments, emails, private messages, etc. please, please, please don’t take it personally. I want you to understand that the only reason I am not responding is because I am trying my hardest to set the example I want you all to follow. And that is to put yourself first. You are of no good to others if your own tank is empty. And believe me, you can keep up the act for a certain amount of time, but eventually it will always end up backfiring and the only person that will get hurt is you.

So, I am going to be internally saying “no,” when I get the huge urge to put others first and fall in to the trap of trying to be that “people-pleasing-super-human-unrealistic-person.” I’ll still be posting on social media and I’ll still be blogging as that’s what I love to do! And whenever I do have the time I will happily respond to comments and messages. And please feel free to connect with me on all my social media sites to be the first to hear about news, events, giveaways and other fun things! Know that I cherish each one of you and when I write … I write with you all in my mind. I am forever sending each one of you all of my love and strength. I believe in and cheer for you all through your ups and downs and I know that you can make it.

Next, brings me to my current goals. I can’t predict where my life will head in the next couple of months or what the year 2016 will bring. But I have decided upon some healthy boundaries that I am going to commit. As I’ve mentioned previously, one of those boundaries is putting myself first. What does this look like for me? It means doing what will lead me to heal, be my happiest and healthiest. So, for a while I am going to live a life that I am passionate about and forget whether or not it looks “successful” to the outside world.

So, I am going to continue to work hard in therapy where I am addressing a lot of my trauma and rewiring my thinking into a more positive and realistic fashion. I am going to be spending a lot of time at the barn with my horse, Velvet. I am going to play tennis with my friends and maybe compete for fun. I am going to continue to write as it’s something I love. I am going to challenge myself to learn how to relax – watch some TV, read a book, sit outside, take a day off and do nothing. I am going to reach out to the wonderful people around me who have offered time and time again to hang out with me. I am going to take some road trips, spend more time with my family and have fun! I am also going to begin working on a sequel to Safety in Numbers as there is so much more to my story and writing is one of greatest passions. My mind right now is telling me that I am taking a step back by imposing these boundaries on my life. My mind also says that by turning down offers, I may be missing out on wonderful opportunities. But no. No, I need to take my own advice and I need to learn from my own past life experiences.

This is where people, like me, who want instant gratification and are used to external validation are going to struggle. This is going to be incredibly challenging for me, but I know that in the long run, this is what is going to lead me to my happiest, healthiest and most successful life. What’s difficult is that most people might think I have it easy … that watching TV, relaxing, hanging out with friends etc. is laughable because it’s such a given and desired thing. But for me personally, I have never been able to do such a thing. I have lived almost my whole life as a mini adult and professional. I have never rested. I have either been pushing myself to the limit work wise, or have been literally fighting for my life. I will always naturally be a high achieving person, but I need to learn that I’m of much more value by being well rounded and confident in myself without any external validation. For me, learning to take a day off is just as difficult as someone saying they want to learn how to play tennis and then go win an open level tournament.

Lastly, I want to talk about my upcoming memoir. It almost doesn’t seem real that it’s actually going to be published this January. To be honest, I am equally excited, as I am terrified. I’m sure most authors are nervous before publishing any book, but this isn’t just any book, this isn’t just a story … this is a true story and this is a disturbing story and this is my life! I wrote it for me and now I am to releasing it with the hopes it will help others. It is a story of chaos, emotion, horror, tragedy, and yes, ultimately hope. But I didn’t censor or alter my book. The majority of my memoir is taken directly from my journal entries as I wrote them. At the end of the day I am proud of my story and I can now own my story. That has been the greatest gift I could ever receive. 

Safety in Numbers is only the first part of my story and I look forward to sharing the continued steps of my recovery in a sequel that I soon intend to write. Thank you for taking the time to read such a long post. You all hold such a special place in my heart. ~Britt